Straws ain't just for sippin'...

FIRST. REAL. GOAL. ACCOMPLISHED.

Okay, I guess the blog starting is also considered a goal... but you can celebrate the goal in the midst of doing it, can you? Whatevs, quit rainin' on my first-goal parade.

The goal that I have now completed is lucky number (checking goal list... where is it? Using the "find word" function... aaaand, got it!) FORTY-NINE: Make cheese straws.

{These are NOT the ones I made... waaaaaay too pretty.}

Cheese straws are something I grew up eating while at Amie's house. Amie is what my grandmother had all us grandkids call her - derived from the French word for 'friend.' (Why this non-traditional name? Because she "didn't want to be anybody's old Granny." I liked that lady.) Usually our cheese straws were bought from a little shop called Pollman's Bakeshop in Mobile, AL - they make the best brownies, chicken salad, and (DUH) cheese straws. But occasionally, when we were very lucky, we would also have the homemade variety. Since I don't have access to Pollman's here (oh, the pounds I would gain if I did!), I decided that I should really learn to make my own cheese straws, because maybe I'm getting spoiled fitting into my jeans all the time.

Now, I'm no Pioneer Woman (though I SO wish I was... I love you, Ree! Call me?), so there are a few glaring mistakes in this, my first cooking post.

Mistake #1: Forgot to start taking pictures until I had already put most of the ingredients into the mixing bowl. Oopsy.

So, use your imagination and picture me shredding cheese (ie: making Andy grate it because I HATE to GRATE. But I love to rhyme... any time... oh you lucky readers, you) measuring out crushed red pepper and cayenne, and plopping them all into the bowl together. That was fun, huh?

Mistake #2: forgetting to soften the butter AHEAD of time. This didn't hinder my cheese straw-ery too much, but still... rookie mistake.

Please also note how many sticks of butter are in this recipe. 3 delicious sticks of good-for-you butter. Oh, glorious butter. And cheese. Really, how can you go wrong with a recipe containing these two treats as main ingredients? You can't. (If I was PW, this would be an appropriate spot for an "Amen." I know she'd agree.)

So, technically, the recipe only calls for 2 & 1/2 sticks of butter, but (spoiler alert!) I ended up using 3 full sticks because of...

Mistake #3: Starting the recipe without having the required equipment.

{Cheese + Butter = gooooooood. That's math I understand.}

As you can see, I am using a hand mixer. Unfortunately, the recipe called for a standing mixer. You'd think the two would work pretty much the same way, just like I did... and just like me, you'd be wrong.

{Note how much sticky-ewy-gooy is on the whisk-y thingies... Yummm, right?}

{Adding a seemingly huge amount of flour... but the recipe called for it! At this time, I was still being a recipe-follower... 'cept for the standing mixer. Dang it.}

{After adding the flour... look a little dry to anyone else?}

 So, after hand-mixing and adding flour, I had a sortofakindofa situation on my hands. A very dry, not sticking together situation. A situation that called for more butter. You know, for moisture. And then I went completely off-book and added an egg out of desperation. I think maybe the standing mixer is better at actually mixing everything? Luckily, these additions seemed to do the trick, and the cheese straws were not lost. Unluckily, I made...

Mistake # 4: Conveniently forget to take pictures during scary recipe-salvaging time. Again, oopsy.

Imagination time again: Jess mixing crazy cheese/butter/flour concoction together with hand mixer. Jess realizing concoction seems to be drier than and Englishman's humor. Drier than Colorado in August. Drier than... I got nothing. It was dry, man. Jess freaking out, complaining to Andy that this ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN I TRY TO BAKE THINGS, Andy suggesting adding an egg, Jess scoffing at silly egg idea because there aren't even eggs in the recipe at all. Jess adding butter, still too dry... sheepishly adding egg. Concoction seeming to recover. Jess singing Hallelujah chorus while doing embarrassing dance/jump thing. Maybe don't imagine that part. Jess rolls the now sticky-enough doughy mess into straw-like figures. Remembers camera. Says oopsy. And, we're back!

All the cheese straws I've ever had have nifty ridges on them (probably the result of using a cookie-press, the second piece of equipment the recipe called for that I did not have. Have I said oopsy yet?), so I added my own version of ridges with this new-fangled high tech piece of machinery called a fork.

{Into the oven they go!}

The recipe said to bake for 12 minutes, but being the rebel I am I left them in for about 15 to get a sort-of golden, crispier look. At least, that's what I was going for.

{Attempted PW-esque food shot.}

{The Browns sure keep it fancy with their dishware, mmhmm.}

And there you have it. How to royally screw up make cheese straws. Well, more like how to redeem yourself when you attempt to make cheese straws and strangely it's a lot friggen harder than you thought it would be but you're determined to see the recipe through because you have a blog DARN IT and you have to put something on there or riots will start and villages will burn and YOU OWE IT TO THE 4 PEOPLE WHO READ YOUR POSTS. Ahem.

I may end up making these again if my Mama can find Amie's recipe. She says she has it somewhere, but we all know how Moms lie. Like a rug. (I also might try Paula Deen's recipe, which I just discovered today... yet another lady who appreciates her some butter. That sounded like a fat joke. It wasn't.)

 Until then, here's the recipe I used, courtesy of MyRecipes.com: 
  
 Ingredients



1 1/2 cups butter, softened
1 (1-pound) block sharp Cheddar cheese, shredded
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 to 2 teaspoons ground red pepper
1/2 teaspoon paprika
4 cups all-purpose flour


Preparation:


Beat first 5 ingredients at medium speed with a heavy-duty stand mixer until blended. Gradually add flour, beating just until combined.


Use a cookie press with a star-shaped disk to shape mixture into long ribbons, following manufacturer's instructions, on parchment paper-lined baking sheets. Cut ribbons into 2-inch pieces.

Bake at 350° for 12 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove to wire racks to cool.